Tired.

'Ello summer time. How are you? Humid. That is the answer.

It is probably quite pointless to announce that I am working on campus over the summer, due to the fact that my two followers already know that. I am popular.

There was an earthquake here a few days ago. Apparently it registered 2.9 on the richter scale. I didn't feel it, and neither did my work crew. Other people did. I can only conclude that, due to the fact that we were working in naugle and pushing furniture around, Naugle is magical. It is a masterful earthquake resistant structure. Now, granted, the floors don't have water fountains, and the bathrooms are segregating forces. And sure, the paint in the stairwells that was meant to cover up the positively outlandish colors that I can only conclude were on a desperately low priced sale, have begun to break through. And yes, the fan was pulling 90 degree air into the building while the air conditioning units in each room hummed and thumped hopelessly, trying to cool the air to levels that didn't sear the esophagus. And yes, the carpet that they installed in 2' by 2' squares less than a year ago is already coming up. But darn it, I felt no shaking. Now, I may have been manhandling a stubborn bunkbed or molesting a dresser into moving at the time, which may account for something. MAYBE. I think it is far more likely that Naugle is a masterful feat of Pennsylvania engineering, and is really the gateway to a superhero lair. And Dave is Batman, Kent is Robin. Prove me wrong.

Anyways, I'm kinda sad to have not actually experienced that. I was here, though, so that's something. Not really.

It's been humid for about a solid week. There have been severe thunderstorms multiple times in the past few days. HARK! I heard a rumble...

UM, what on EARTH are the boys in the room above mine DOING at 1 in the AM? Sounds like a freaking dance party... they need to stop. Actually, I'm so tired, I could probably sleep through it.

You know what? This is ridiculous. It's late, and there is no reason for me to be awake. Goodnight.

J-Term break

Ah. Burdens lifted.

Anyways.

I'm going to build a model ship from scratch. Maybe in a bottle, but I'm not sure that is feasible. I don't have anything else to do this break. This is going to be the sketchiest possible ship. But it will be my little bugger. As if I need more things.

Procrastinating.

Hello young blog page. It has been some time since we last met. I've been avoiding you. But you see, now I need to waste some time. Actually, I need to NOT waste time. But I'm just not that type of person, and therefore here I am to procrastinate in a way most undesirable.

Science and I were not made for one another. Trust me when I say that history majors, and religion majors, are not meant to read scientific articles for understanding. I can make my eyes run across those words so fast that it is almost unbelievable. But I absorb none of it. In my double major experience, which is considerable at this point, I never came across equations in paragraphs. Apparently these are meant to pose as arguments one way or the other. But I just skip these paragraphs because they are less stimulating than the actual class on an hour of sleep. It looks like whenever Tolkien through in some elvish script into the text. Nice effort, my good man, beautiful symbols, which are perhaps meaningful if you are fluent in whatever language you made up. Unfortunately, I possess the mathematical prowess similar to an average hick American's vocabulary in a foreign language. That's not fair----to me. But it's close. Math inside of text! This is madness. I adore writing and reading history papers, and I enjoy reading things that I find to be particularly meaningful. Biotechnology is just not one of them. Tomorrow is the last day of class, and at this rate, I may need to skip it to finish my paper. I won't though. I always manage to finish papers, at least in terms of quantity. Quality is something else entirely.

Oh, and I really do not care about my paper topic. Patenting genetically engineered products. I picked the OncoMouse. Which is a registered trademark of DuPont and possibly Harvard. Other genetic companies have been crazypants aggressive about their rights, so let's be safe and give them their credit. Step off, fools. Anyway, I don't care about the ethical arguments about the issue of patenting living creatures, or manipulating DNA and then owning it. I guess it sounds like I disagree with it, and I suppose I do. But I am not vehemently opposed to it, at least not enough for this paper to even allure me into contemplating writing it. It really is just about time to get started though.

Okay, Renae. It's time to get to what really has been keeping you from your paper. Besides the science hate.

Well, I have been mulling over something that I need to talk to a friend about tomorrow. It won't be a particularly long conversation - at least I don't foresee it that way. Who knows on which note it will end. But the thing that we need to discuss makes me nervous... I've told her serious things before, but I can only think of one real time where she exhibited any vulnerability on a personal level. But I know she does with others. So, maybe this brings us closer, maybe it messes things up. My other friend thinks I should just tell her whats been bugging me, but I work myself up about these things quite often. I just hate confrontations, and though it is not something I expect will phase her at all, I still go directly to worst case scenario. Foiled. Why can't everyone just figure out what's on our minds, and act accordingly without us telling them. No, it'll be fine.

It sucks. Even if I did not have a paper to write, I would likely not sleep much tonight. And the worst part is that I will not even be able to discuss it until later on in the evening. I gotta do it fast, like a bandaid, (which is also someone's registered trademark, free advertising to an audience of...2. Be grateful, greedy bastards.) but I can't just slap her in the face with it....ah tact.

Anyways, since this was a self-serving rant, as most of my posts are, I guess I should cut it off way before I say too much, or wax too obnoxious.

I hope that I can focus now.

Christian Racism and Presidential Frustations

So recently we received what could only be called a public spanking for the actions of an isolated few. Apparently when we had a forum consisting of bulletin boards on which we were supposed to post our opinions on the election and events surrounding it, certain people posted racist or inappropriate comments and neglected to sign their name to them. And I realize perfectly that this needs to be addressed in some way. But I could not help but to feel that the manner in which it was done was not only condescending, but inappropriate.
It was done at the beginning of chapel. Which in itself is bad enough in my opinion, but it was not the only factor that made me cringe. We had a guest speaker who was, guess what? Latino.Great idea. Let our guest know that there are people, probably in that crowd, who are racist and will say so. And apparently are racist to the point that a public lashing in the manner that a high school principle at an assembly would do, was in her mind the best action.
Now I am not saying that we should hide our problems from the world. I don't think Messiah is perfect, and I don't think that we should pretend that it is. Certainly not. But racism is something that is a flaw in character, a flaw in upbringing, a flaw in the Christian organized Church. Sunday mornings are the most segregated times in America. We have to make a conscious effort to promote equality in church because when most people look around at the representatives of the body of Christ in there pews they don't see anything but their own race. I know of very few that consciously seek diversity, or even ever address it at all. Certainly I never heard it in mine.
When everything in our upbringing either ignores or blatantly promotes the reality of racism, is it really that surprising to notice racist Christians? A public chastisement by our president that tells us that she is not proud and does not approve of the racism displayed is going to do nothing about the underlying problem. It will let everyone know our position on racism, which is certainly good, but it will change nothing.
Until we start to think about salvation as a new social order, a mosaic of people and a radical change in how we think of ourselves and the world, we won't be perceived by the world as anything but hypocrites. People won't see that prejudice is a serious injustice, and no one is going to make an effort to change the way they think about race and other types of prejudice. If we care in principle but not in reality we are perverting Christianity and crippling the body of Christ.

Now a word about the president and the ideas that I personally have gotten. The most common criticism I have heard is that she lives in a mansion on the outskirts of campus. The biggest thing about that is that it has a name. Orchard Hill. But for me, that is insubstantial next to the intense sense of disrespect for the student body that I feel coming from her. For example, below are two emails that are directly copied and pasted. These are from last year, and I don't think that my opinion of Kim will change very easily given the way we were treated. The first is from my friends and I, the second is the response from the president who claims to value "discourse with students."

From: "Rebecca... "
Sent: Sat, April 12, 2008 6:14 PM
To: "Kim ..."
Subject: Compassion Forum Concerns for college standards


President ...,
My friends and I were having a picnic by the breeches on this lovely Saturday afternoon, April 12th. While we on our way back to our resident hall we decided to check our mail due to the upcoming compassion forum. We were all rather shocked to see cigarette disposals outside Eisenhower Campus Center. Messiah College is a smoke free campus, this is announced at sporting events, plays, and concerts. We are concerned that the college has lessoned its values, which we all pride ourselves in, during the time of a nationally broadcasted event. We believe that this is a time when Messiah should be standing proud and not loosening its convictions. The compassion forum is a great opportunity for the nation to see what an upstanding college Messiah is, however will this be possible if we are lowering our standards in the presence of the nation. We are greatly disappointed in the college and we ask that you understand our concerns.
Thank you for your time and understanding.
Rebecca
Renae
Gina


Here is the response received:

I have just returned from Calif and I will check into this. We have not changed our policy and will ask people not to smoke biut do need aplace to deposit the trash when we ask them not to smoke

Those typos and the misuse of grammar are in the hastily sent email exactly as they appear here. And now, every time I hear her express her opinions I feel this sense that she holds of superiority over students. She may love the college and the ideals that it represents, but I think she values her students much less than she would have us to believe. And for me, there is nothing more frustrating than getting that sense that there is nothing that I could do to be heard except through student government. And my friend who ranks fairly highly in SGA feels that there is a definite limitation to conversation as well, even in SGA.
In a Christian College, and between believers who are supposed to respect one another, there should be mutual respect. At least pretend that you care and proofread your emails. When we get an email back from SGA that is more articulate and APOLOGIZES on behalf of the President for the poor quality response we received, I think we have a symptom of a larger problem.

Self Pity

I have a legitimate reason to cry today. And that is why I am right now. I failed a test for which I honestly did study. And so in a melodramatic gesture I punched my concrete wall with a right-left one-two punch. And now all I have to show for that is swollen knuckles and pain. And then, my amazing lovely friend Emily came over to get her guitar from beneath my bed. I have a lot of extra space, so naturally I offer storage for random items in here. I now have Amelia's bike in my room, Emily's extra quantities of popcorn, and so on.
I found out about my test grade and had just punched the wall when she knocked. She knew something was wrong, and after I told her she hugged me for a really long time. And then said some amazing words of comfort. Normally I offer other people these kind words, but this semester I have far oftener been the recipient. I feel very fortunate to know now that there are people in front of whom I have no fear of crying.
But I so rarely cry for myself. And when I do, I always feel like I shouldn't be allowed to, like I am being selfish and arrogant when I do. I always try to stave it off. And today I am really upset, because of a culmination of personal things, not just the test grade. That just opened the flood gates. But after she offered support she said I could hang out in her room. Then her face changed a little and said, by way of warning me, that Abbie was there and one of the members of her youth group just experienced a tragedy. Last night this young person's mom was killed on the way to pick them up.
Immediately I felt like an insensitive ass. I feel like this moment just reinforces the fact that I should not pity myself. I know I am made for empathy and I totally disallow myself to use this gift when I am sad on my own behalf. This sounds frightfully unbalanced of me, I realize that. But really, every time I pity myself, someone actually presents something that actually matters.
When I am sad on behalf of my friends and agonizing for them, it feels much more like a productive use of my time. Like, sure I did cry and spill all my emotions, but now I have come out of it much more ready to help the person about whom I am crying. And there are specific people who know exactly what to say to me and read my mind. And If you've seen me cry and I continue a conversation that makes me cry, then I trust you with my vulnerability. But the problem is that whenever I talk to someone about my own problems I feel like I am unnecessarily burdening people who are, by way of their personalities, always burdened. I am one of these people, and I never resent it, in fact I thrive on helping people and would be uncertain of what to do if people never trusted me, were never open. They probably feel the same way, but I don't know.
What the hell good is it for me to be concerned for myself? It's not like I can't make it, sure it hurts, and sure maybe there is a lot more going on in my head. But I just want to focus on others not on me.

Wow, that was really personal. But I needed some outlet to work things out...

Experience makes the best teacher

So I have to write a speech to memorize for tomorrow, and I am none too thrilled with that, given that I was told about this on Friday, and I am splendidly swamped this weekend. But here goes.

Last semester, a group of us went on a service trip to Pittsburgh to serve with the Pittsburgh Project. We were going to help the elderly, inner city poor repair their homes so that they could afford to keep their homes. We were all expectant, hoping that we would be able to make a difference. Most of us had no carpentry or plumbing experience at all, but we were all hoping that the age old adage "Experience is the best Teacher" would hold true for us. The Staff at the project understood that we were nervous and anxious about the work we would have in the coming days, so on our first day they made every effort to make a safe environment where candor about our experiences would help us to process everything that was going through our minds.
They split us up into three groups, with whom we would be working for the duration of that week. My group consisted of two other people who I had met only a week previous. We were working with a man named Pastor Ed, and he could sense that we were uncertain if we were able to complete the tasks which we were assigned. He had Matt and Karli tearing down the roof of the porch, and he had me help him replace a window. Both Karli and I conquered our fear of heights that day and that built our confidence. In this new found confidence we made the observation that the porch stairs were looking a bit sickly. We asked if we could take this on as our project, while the other two were on the roof.
Pastor Ed told us that we could do so on only one condition. We were allowed to ask questions but he would not instruct us, he wanted us to do this ourselves. He kept teasing us with joking questions about if we were up to the challenge, but he did it in such a way that we were more certain that we were able every time he asked. We made all the measurements, and we made a few mistakes. But we were able to fix them. When we had finished them, they were by no means the most beautiful and artfully constructed stairs, but they were sturdy, and they were functional. And as sopping wet and dirty as those stairs were, and in fact as we were, we knew that we had done something good for someone else. We learned how to do these things by simply doing them.
When we returned and the whole group reconvened to eat dinner and talk about what we had done, the looks on people's faces were unforgettable. Everyone was glowing with self confidence, and lauding each other for their accomplishments and ability to overcome fears. We were alternately astonished by each other's newfound skills and talents, and proud of each other for learning what we learned.

Politics

I know that because I am voting absentee, that my vote will not be counted unless there is a tie among regular pollsters. But that has not yet succeeded in making me feel less concerned at all about my choice for President.

Obama is smart, and he is a clever orator, though less quick on his feet than some in debate situations. He doesn't seem to be the kind of hold your own type of person that will resist manipulation and I feel that his lack of experience may indeed be his downfall. Many foreign policy situations will have him being the least qualified person in the room and also the one that has to make the call. When it comes down to it, he will be heavily dependent on his staff of advisers, who, I might add, we do not get to choose.
Biden has tons of experience, but he does tend to say things that get him into trouble. Should anything or anyone happen to Obama, then this is the guy. He is gruff, and a harsh man, one who would be beneficial in some circumstances, but far from delicate in others where strength is not the way to approach it.

I get that McCain is a war hero, and I understand that he has served in the military and in government and that for us, warlike culture that we are, that is the kind of leader we want. But increasingly I have been leaning towards pacifism as a defining ideal of my life. That is not to say that I am naive enough to believe that we can resist entangling ourselves so precariously in conflicts, as we have done almost since the day of our country's inception. Within 20 years of the ratification of the constitution we were duking it out with the French in the Caribbean. Truthfully I expect that if McCain takes the helm, war will be much oftener in his subconscious and we may end up paying dearly in the blood of our soldiers if we elect him.
Palin has one really strong point going for her, and that is that in a state as corrupt as Alaska, she has made a stand for integrity of political office. However, that may be one of those things that reflects more on the other politicians than on her, but that does not discredit her morals. But she has no qualifications when it comes to foreign policy, and the fact that McCain is likely to have future health problems which may result in his death, does not make that lack of experience a comforting thought.

What has happened to the days of high political thought and theories? Today the debate is not over actual issues, and the fissures are smaller between parties now than they were then. Why oh why must this lack of heartfelt communication and debate accompanied by civility exist today? Why can we not see the similarities and actually try to reach across the aisle in an age where we need, more than ever, to talk to each other?