Self Pity

I have a legitimate reason to cry today. And that is why I am right now. I failed a test for which I honestly did study. And so in a melodramatic gesture I punched my concrete wall with a right-left one-two punch. And now all I have to show for that is swollen knuckles and pain. And then, my amazing lovely friend Emily came over to get her guitar from beneath my bed. I have a lot of extra space, so naturally I offer storage for random items in here. I now have Amelia's bike in my room, Emily's extra quantities of popcorn, and so on.
I found out about my test grade and had just punched the wall when she knocked. She knew something was wrong, and after I told her she hugged me for a really long time. And then said some amazing words of comfort. Normally I offer other people these kind words, but this semester I have far oftener been the recipient. I feel very fortunate to know now that there are people in front of whom I have no fear of crying.
But I so rarely cry for myself. And when I do, I always feel like I shouldn't be allowed to, like I am being selfish and arrogant when I do. I always try to stave it off. And today I am really upset, because of a culmination of personal things, not just the test grade. That just opened the flood gates. But after she offered support she said I could hang out in her room. Then her face changed a little and said, by way of warning me, that Abbie was there and one of the members of her youth group just experienced a tragedy. Last night this young person's mom was killed on the way to pick them up.
Immediately I felt like an insensitive ass. I feel like this moment just reinforces the fact that I should not pity myself. I know I am made for empathy and I totally disallow myself to use this gift when I am sad on my own behalf. This sounds frightfully unbalanced of me, I realize that. But really, every time I pity myself, someone actually presents something that actually matters.
When I am sad on behalf of my friends and agonizing for them, it feels much more like a productive use of my time. Like, sure I did cry and spill all my emotions, but now I have come out of it much more ready to help the person about whom I am crying. And there are specific people who know exactly what to say to me and read my mind. And If you've seen me cry and I continue a conversation that makes me cry, then I trust you with my vulnerability. But the problem is that whenever I talk to someone about my own problems I feel like I am unnecessarily burdening people who are, by way of their personalities, always burdened. I am one of these people, and I never resent it, in fact I thrive on helping people and would be uncertain of what to do if people never trusted me, were never open. They probably feel the same way, but I don't know.
What the hell good is it for me to be concerned for myself? It's not like I can't make it, sure it hurts, and sure maybe there is a lot more going on in my head. But I just want to focus on others not on me.

Wow, that was really personal. But I needed some outlet to work things out...