I have a legitimate reason to cry today. And that is why I am right now. I failed a test for which I honestly did study. And so in a melodramatic gesture I punched my concrete wall with a right-left one-two punch. And now all I have to show for that is swollen knuckles and pain. And then, my amazing lovely friend Emily came over to get her guitar from beneath my bed. I have a lot of extra space, so naturally I offer storage for random items in here. I now have Amelia's bike in my room, Emily's extra quantities of popcorn, and so on.
I found out about my test grade and had just punched the wall when she knocked. She knew something was wrong, and after I told her she hugged me for a really long time. And then said some amazing words of comfort. Normally I offer other people these kind words, but this semester I have far oftener been the recipient. I feel very fortunate to know now that there are people in front of whom I have no fear of crying.
But I so rarely cry for myself. And when I do, I always feel like I shouldn't be allowed to, like I am being selfish and arrogant when I do. I always try to stave it off. And today I am really upset, because of a culmination of personal things, not just the test grade. That just opened the flood gates. But after she offered support she said I could hang out in her room. Then her face changed a little and said, by way of warning me, that Abbie was there and one of the members of her youth group just experienced a tragedy. Last night this young person's mom was killed on the way to pick them up.
Immediately I felt like an insensitive ass. I feel like this moment just reinforces the fact that I should not pity myself. I know I am made for empathy and I totally disallow myself to use this gift when I am sad on my own behalf. This sounds frightfully unbalanced of me, I realize that. But really, every time I pity myself, someone actually presents something that actually matters.
When I am sad on behalf of my friends and agonizing for them, it feels much more like a productive use of my time. Like, sure I did cry and spill all my emotions, but now I have come out of it much more ready to help the person about whom I am crying. And there are specific people who know exactly what to say to me and read my mind. And If you've seen me cry and I continue a conversation that makes me cry, then I trust you with my vulnerability. But the problem is that whenever I talk to someone about my own problems I feel like I am unnecessarily burdening people who are, by way of their personalities, always burdened. I am one of these people, and I never resent it, in fact I thrive on helping people and would be uncertain of what to do if people never trusted me, were never open. They probably feel the same way, but I don't know.
What the hell good is it for me to be concerned for myself? It's not like I can't make it, sure it hurts, and sure maybe there is a lot more going on in my head. But I just want to focus on others not on me.
Wow, that was really personal. But I needed some outlet to work things out...
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Experience makes the best teacher
So I have to write a speech to memorize for tomorrow, and I am none too thrilled with that, given that I was told about this on Friday, and I am splendidly swamped this weekend. But here goes.
Last semester, a group of us went on a service trip to Pittsburgh to serve with the Pittsburgh Project. We were going to help the elderly, inner city poor repair their homes so that they could afford to keep their homes. We were all expectant, hoping that we would be able to make a difference. Most of us had no carpentry or plumbing experience at all, but we were all hoping that the age old adage "Experience is the best Teacher" would hold true for us. The Staff at the project understood that we were nervous and anxious about the work we would have in the coming days, so on our first day they made every effort to make a safe environment where candor about our experiences would help us to process everything that was going through our minds.
They split us up into three groups, with whom we would be working for the duration of that week. My group consisted of two other people who I had met only a week previous. We were working with a man named Pastor Ed, and he could sense that we were uncertain if we were able to complete the tasks which we were assigned. He had Matt and Karli tearing down the roof of the porch, and he had me help him replace a window. Both Karli and I conquered our fear of heights that day and that built our confidence. In this new found confidence we made the observation that the porch stairs were looking a bit sickly. We asked if we could take this on as our project, while the other two were on the roof.
Pastor Ed told us that we could do so on only one condition. We were allowed to ask questions but he would not instruct us, he wanted us to do this ourselves. He kept teasing us with joking questions about if we were up to the challenge, but he did it in such a way that we were more certain that we were able every time he asked. We made all the measurements, and we made a few mistakes. But we were able to fix them. When we had finished them, they were by no means the most beautiful and artfully constructed stairs, but they were sturdy, and they were functional. And as sopping wet and dirty as those stairs were, and in fact as we were, we knew that we had done something good for someone else. We learned how to do these things by simply doing them.
When we returned and the whole group reconvened to eat dinner and talk about what we had done, the looks on people's faces were unforgettable. Everyone was glowing with self confidence, and lauding each other for their accomplishments and ability to overcome fears. We were alternately astonished by each other's newfound skills and talents, and proud of each other for learning what we learned.
Last semester, a group of us went on a service trip to Pittsburgh to serve with the Pittsburgh Project. We were going to help the elderly, inner city poor repair their homes so that they could afford to keep their homes. We were all expectant, hoping that we would be able to make a difference. Most of us had no carpentry or plumbing experience at all, but we were all hoping that the age old adage "Experience is the best Teacher" would hold true for us. The Staff at the project understood that we were nervous and anxious about the work we would have in the coming days, so on our first day they made every effort to make a safe environment where candor about our experiences would help us to process everything that was going through our minds.
They split us up into three groups, with whom we would be working for the duration of that week. My group consisted of two other people who I had met only a week previous. We were working with a man named Pastor Ed, and he could sense that we were uncertain if we were able to complete the tasks which we were assigned. He had Matt and Karli tearing down the roof of the porch, and he had me help him replace a window. Both Karli and I conquered our fear of heights that day and that built our confidence. In this new found confidence we made the observation that the porch stairs were looking a bit sickly. We asked if we could take this on as our project, while the other two were on the roof.
Pastor Ed told us that we could do so on only one condition. We were allowed to ask questions but he would not instruct us, he wanted us to do this ourselves. He kept teasing us with joking questions about if we were up to the challenge, but he did it in such a way that we were more certain that we were able every time he asked. We made all the measurements, and we made a few mistakes. But we were able to fix them. When we had finished them, they were by no means the most beautiful and artfully constructed stairs, but they were sturdy, and they were functional. And as sopping wet and dirty as those stairs were, and in fact as we were, we knew that we had done something good for someone else. We learned how to do these things by simply doing them.
When we returned and the whole group reconvened to eat dinner and talk about what we had done, the looks on people's faces were unforgettable. Everyone was glowing with self confidence, and lauding each other for their accomplishments and ability to overcome fears. We were alternately astonished by each other's newfound skills and talents, and proud of each other for learning what we learned.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Politics
I know that because I am voting absentee, that my vote will not be counted unless there is a tie among regular pollsters. But that has not yet succeeded in making me feel less concerned at all about my choice for President.
Obama is smart, and he is a clever orator, though less quick on his feet than some in debate situations. He doesn't seem to be the kind of hold your own type of person that will resist manipulation and I feel that his lack of experience may indeed be his downfall. Many foreign policy situations will have him being the least qualified person in the room and also the one that has to make the call. When it comes down to it, he will be heavily dependent on his staff of advisers, who, I might add, we do not get to choose.
Biden has tons of experience, but he does tend to say things that get him into trouble. Should anything or anyone happen to Obama, then this is the guy. He is gruff, and a harsh man, one who would be beneficial in some circumstances, but far from delicate in others where strength is not the way to approach it.
I get that McCain is a war hero, and I understand that he has served in the military and in government and that for us, warlike culture that we are, that is the kind of leader we want. But increasingly I have been leaning towards pacifism as a defining ideal of my life. That is not to say that I am naive enough to believe that we can resist entangling ourselves so precariously in conflicts, as we have done almost since the day of our country's inception. Within 20 years of the ratification of the constitution we were duking it out with the French in the Caribbean. Truthfully I expect that if McCain takes the helm, war will be much oftener in his subconscious and we may end up paying dearly in the blood of our soldiers if we elect him.
Palin has one really strong point going for her, and that is that in a state as corrupt as Alaska, she has made a stand for integrity of political office. However, that may be one of those things that reflects more on the other politicians than on her, but that does not discredit her morals. But she has no qualifications when it comes to foreign policy, and the fact that McCain is likely to have future health problems which may result in his death, does not make that lack of experience a comforting thought.
What has happened to the days of high political thought and theories? Today the debate is not over actual issues, and the fissures are smaller between parties now than they were then. Why oh why must this lack of heartfelt communication and debate accompanied by civility exist today? Why can we not see the similarities and actually try to reach across the aisle in an age where we need, more than ever, to talk to each other?
Obama is smart, and he is a clever orator, though less quick on his feet than some in debate situations. He doesn't seem to be the kind of hold your own type of person that will resist manipulation and I feel that his lack of experience may indeed be his downfall. Many foreign policy situations will have him being the least qualified person in the room and also the one that has to make the call. When it comes down to it, he will be heavily dependent on his staff of advisers, who, I might add, we do not get to choose.
Biden has tons of experience, but he does tend to say things that get him into trouble. Should anything or anyone happen to Obama, then this is the guy. He is gruff, and a harsh man, one who would be beneficial in some circumstances, but far from delicate in others where strength is not the way to approach it.
I get that McCain is a war hero, and I understand that he has served in the military and in government and that for us, warlike culture that we are, that is the kind of leader we want. But increasingly I have been leaning towards pacifism as a defining ideal of my life. That is not to say that I am naive enough to believe that we can resist entangling ourselves so precariously in conflicts, as we have done almost since the day of our country's inception. Within 20 years of the ratification of the constitution we were duking it out with the French in the Caribbean. Truthfully I expect that if McCain takes the helm, war will be much oftener in his subconscious and we may end up paying dearly in the blood of our soldiers if we elect him.
Palin has one really strong point going for her, and that is that in a state as corrupt as Alaska, she has made a stand for integrity of political office. However, that may be one of those things that reflects more on the other politicians than on her, but that does not discredit her morals. But she has no qualifications when it comes to foreign policy, and the fact that McCain is likely to have future health problems which may result in his death, does not make that lack of experience a comforting thought.
What has happened to the days of high political thought and theories? Today the debate is not over actual issues, and the fissures are smaller between parties now than they were then. Why oh why must this lack of heartfelt communication and debate accompanied by civility exist today? Why can we not see the similarities and actually try to reach across the aisle in an age where we need, more than ever, to talk to each other?
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